My pursuit of Happyness. Pursuit of Happyness.. we have to pursue our very own happyness, whether we get there in the end or not.. I'm not sure.. but I'm pretty sure happyness will not be shoved into our hands just like that.. we have to fight for it, chase after it, make a run for it.. A long run indeed..
My pursuit of happyness started so long ago.. ha... come to think of it now... its been too long.. too long..
Well, I remembered back in my young times when I was still in primary school, I scored 4 As for my PSLE.. at that time I thought I would be somebody in life.. at the time I thought I will make it big when I grew up.. at that time I was wrong.. Look at me now.. what have I achieved in my career? What have I accomplished in life? Was there happyness?
Nothing.
All this while I lived in a world I created which I believed that it was happyness to me.. I had lived in a world that I created for too long.. A world that I thought I could live for the rest of my life just playing basketball.. a world that I spent most of my time and efforts in.. a world that I considered myself to be pretty good at.. a world of happyness?
That world doesn't exist on this earth.. I didn't realise that..
Untill someone came into my life and brought me back to earth. Someone who made me realise the harsh reality of the real world.. someone who showed me where exactly I have been living all this time of my life. Suddenly for the first time in my life I realise what a loser in life I am.. For the first time I see the real world that I have not been living in.. I feel that I am inadequate to the real world.. I know that I am so way back behind compared to my friends around me.. I am just a big fat zero.. That's what I am..
Nothing.
So what if I have achieved a place in that virtual little happyness world I created.. so what if I am somebody in that virtual little happyness world I created.. so what if I can still run and jump real fast and high in that virtual little happyness world I created.. so what?
So where's the happyness? In the real world out there?
To the real world out here, all those things don't worth a single piece of shit at all.. In the real world out here, I am worthless.. In the real world out here, I have nothing.
No happyness. So where can I find happyness?
I'm lost.. Yes I am..
My pursuit of happyness started off from the wrong world. Now I have to transit myself back to earth and start anew in this strange and cold harsh land.. where I find myself totally out of place.. all that I'm left with now.. its only me, myself and my low self-esteem.. argh.. I feel lousy, I feel that I'm a loser.. I feel that I am losing sight of my happyness that i am pursuing..
I don't know why I feel this way.. Maybe because I was brought up by my mum telling me that I'll just be someone mediocre in life? She never believed in me that I will make it big someday.. She have doubts in the things I do.. She don't believe in me. Period. "Go find a factory job and work and stop dreaming!", she always says that when we argue.. Well, over the years of growing up i can say that I'm pretty used to that by now. All those verbal abuses and not to mention those physical abuses too.. so much for happyness..
But I still love my mum. I really do.
To think that my happyness can be found in someone else was the most stupidest thing I ever did.. I was damn wrong. I pinned too much hope in finding happyness in that someone who turn out in the end just another passerby in my life.. Ha.. what a joke I was to the world then.. little did I realise that I have nothing in this real world to offer the someone to exchange for happyness and when I got rejected handsdown, it finally dawn on me that happyness actually comes with a price. That price I'm talking about is your market value to the real world. Its not about how good you look.. Its about how good your bankbook look..
Now that is the happyness the real world knows.
Now I know.. happy endings only happen in fairytales.
Sad but true.. I am living in the real world now.. Dark and cold, harsh and ruthless, uncompassionate and practical.. I have to learn my ways in here.. feel my way around.. carrying on my pursuit of my happyness.. don't know when will I find it and embrace it with tears of joy?
I don't know at all.. but I am not giving up that easily just yet..
Untill then.. my Happyness will be written like that.. because "I" am not in it.
