Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Letters from Iwo Jima.. Three Thumbs Up!!!

Caught the foreign film by Clint Eastwood and Steven Spielberg two nights ago.

Letters from Iwo Jima.

I cried.

Thats how good it is.. I give it a three thumbs up... If I have three thumbs I would.. Its the best foreign film I've seen so far... Fantastic buildup of the whole storyline.. Gripping emotional scenes.. Devastating effects of the real war that actually took place decades ago.. Heart wrenching moments.. and many more..

Ken Watanabe is THE MAN... Outstanding performance in Letters from Iwo Jima.. He's so good in the film that I actually believed that he might have been there on Iwo Jima decades ago fighting the Americans. He was so convincing as the General.. well, it'll be a honour to served under him though..

But well, it wasn't the General character that I felt for the most.. Its another guy... A guy who was the only survivor from the Japanese side on Iwo Jima.. The only man to walk out of the battle alive on that volcanic little island.. He survived not because he fought the war, its because he did not engage in any fights on the battlefield at all.. He dodges from caves to caves just to avoid the gun fire.. He was enlisted and sent there not by his own will.. He didn't want to be there.. fighting a war which he cannot understands why.. He wants to quit but he can't..

He was labeled as a coward by his commanders.. He flees when his comrades commits suicide in the caves after they lost the fight over the Americans.. He hides away from the confrontation of bullets when his fellow countrymen brave the rounds with their bodies..

One by one he watch them fall.. Untill he see his respectable General fall right in front of him.. He was the one who saved him by asking him to stay while he and the rest of the remaining troops marched out to face the Americans in the final attempt to retaliate.. But resistance is futile.. Those that went out that day didn't make it back to the cave.

Except for the coward..his task was to burn everything up and leave no trace at all.. He did what he was told to do except for the letters that his fellow countrymen wrote.. The letters never got out of the island.. they got piled up in bundles and bundles.. all through the 40 days long of battle, all the emotional struggles and physical torments... all written in the letters that meant to be sent home.. but didn't.. The coward dug up a hole and bury the entire bundle in it..

Little will he know that these will be found and dug up decades after the war.. to be of good testimonials for the heroes that fought the war on Iwo Jima.. to tell the world what exactly happen on that island that time..

Why does that guy do such treasonous acts in the battle of Iwo Jima? Has he no love for the country? Does he fear death? Is he a coward by nature? Has he no compassion after seeing his countrymen dies trying to save him?

All this because of a promise that he made.

A promise to his loving wife and unborn child back home. That he will return home safe and sound... to watch his kid grow up and lead a simple life as a baker with his wife and grow old together holding hands in the evening sunset of Yokohama..

A promise that many made to their love ones before they left for war.

A promise that not many were able to keep.

He kept it.

But the price to pay for was great. He have to live the rest of his life with guilt in his conscience.. knowing that he had not fight alongside with his comrades yet survived while others didn't.

Is it worth it? I feel that it is.. some may disagree with me.. but I think that I rather be with my loved ones and die together when war hits us at home than dying alone on the battlefields fighting a war that is not even your own..

For me I would do that.. I rather be the coward in everybody's eyes and be the hero of my loved ones in their life..

What about you?

~ { 12:54 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Monday, February 26, 2007

Love is selfless or Love is selfish?

Well, there's something I don't understand... That is whether is LOVE is selfless or LOVE is selfish?

I'm still trying to grasp the true meaning of LOVE... Its a four letter word that have been a mystery to me all this time..

Is it an emotion?

Is it a theory?

Is it a practice?

Is it a religion?

Is it lifestyle?

Or is it just plain bullshit?

I don't know... I really don't know.. No one can explain it, no one that I met.
I have been searching for the missing piece of my life puzzle all this while...

So many times in life I thought I had found it... So many times I was wrong.. Will I ever find the missing piece? That thought is beginning to fade out into the darkness of time once again.

Lately as I walk along the streets and I see loving couples holding hands and hugging one another strolling by, I can't help but to envy them.. But on the other hand I wonder.. that is the person besides them the right one for them in their life? How do they know that he or she is the right one? Do they just know or do they feel more than think about it? How long does they take to know or feel that way? Is it an instant thought or emotion that will shoot right into them when they are together? Or do they go through a period of time before they know they found the right one? I wonder...

Someone once told me this... That in life there is never the right one for you.. Is just loving the person right... well said... not its not easy to do that.. To love a person right takes time.. not to mention patience in trying to get to know the person more, understanding how the person behaves in different situation.. communicating with one another, be it just talk or argument.. accepting the differences of each other, not changing but accepting.. thats the difficult part. Its never easy to accomplish all that.. Thats where alot of them out there failed.. I seen too many cases, too many.

I failed too.

I'm amazed how others handle their emotions when they face with relationships problems..
I seen people take it as if nothing had happen at all, which I'm very surprised and impressed by them, cause they are able to hide their emotions so well in front of the world.. I don't know whether they felt so hurt that they closed up from the world out there.. Or maybe they aren't hurt at all? Cause they weren't serious at all in the first place? I seen people broke down into tears and totally devastated when it happen, they cried for nights, weeks, even months. I guess they must have felt the world caved in on them cause they felt hurt? Or are they trying to gain sympathy? So that they could have another chance again?

Different strokes for different folks... Along the way, I picked up a lesson or two on this... I realised that sometimes you need to know how to regulate your feelings... Its like installing a regulator in your emotions department, a switch to turn on and off, or a tap that can adjust the quantity of emotions flowing out.. That way, you will be able to manage your emotions better when it comes to relationship problems.. You will know how to adjust yourself to different situations and conditions...

My friend told me that don't give your all when you are just starting out in a new relationship cause you never know whether will it work out in the end or not. Regulate the emotions slowly towards the other party and in time to come you will adjust the flow depending on the situation and condition of the relationship.

That sounded reasonable.. But how much time do we need?

But I always think that if you don't give your all in a relationship to make things work you are not not being fair to the other party. That way how are you going to know whether it'll work out eventually? Cause you are constantly not giving your full 100% into the relationship due to the fact you are holding back? Just so that you will not get hurt again? Just so that you are sure that it will work out then you invest more? Just so that you will not be wrong again?

So LOVE is selfish?

But what about being fair to the other party? What about being truthful to other party? What about putting the heart and soul into the relationship? What about unconditional love? Is there such thing still? Do you feel good when you know your other half is not giving all in this relationship with you? Can you forgive them for doing that if you finds out? And still be with him or her? Can you allow yourself to wait for your other half to make sure before he or she starts to commit to the relationship? Can you forget about the betrayal they did to you in the past? Just because you really love him or her so much?

So LOVE is selfless?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll only know when LOVE happens...

~ { 10:56 PM }
reflections of you and me;

A simple busy plan.

Satan called a worldwide convention of demons.

In his opening address he said,

'We can't keep Christians from going to church.'
'We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth.'
'We can't even keep them from forming an intimate relationship with their saviour.'
'Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken.'

'So let them go to their churches; let them have their covered dish dinners, BUT steal their time, so they don't have time to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ..'

'This is what I want you to do,' said the devil:

'Distract them from gaining hold of their Saviour and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!'

'How shall we do this?' his demons shouted.

'Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds,' he answered.
'Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow.'

'Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty lifestyles.'

'Keep them from spending time with their children.'

'As their families fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work!'
'Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small voice.'

'Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive.' To keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly.'

'This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ.'

'Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers.'
'Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day.'

'Invade their driving moments with billboards.'
'Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes..'

'Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands will believe that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll become dissatisfied with their wives. '
'Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night.'

'Give them headaches too! '
'If they don't give their husbands the love they need, they will begin to look elsewhere.'

'That will fragment their families quickly!'

'Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the real meaning of Christmas.'
'Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk about his resurrection and power over sin and death.'

'Even in their recreation, let them be excessive.'
'Have them return from their recreation exhausted.'

'Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies instead.'

'Keep them busy, busy, busy!'

'And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences. '
'Crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Jesus.'

'Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause.'

'It will work!'
'It will work!'

It was quite a plan!

The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get busier and more rushed, going here and there.

Having little time for their God or their families.

Having no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives.

I guess the question is, has the devil been successful in his schemes?
Does 'BUSY' mean: B-eing U-nder S-atan's Y-oke?

You be the judge!!!!!

~ { 10:49 PM }
reflections of you and me;

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Accidental Love Story.. Inspired by Jay Chow.

This love story began in the coral reefs.

There was this little clown fish that lived in the beautiful coral reefs in the sea. All day he would swim around the corals having fun and enjoying the colours of the reefs. He wouldn't care much about the world around him when other fishes were busy finding places to live in or feeding their young. He just want to make full use of his time to swim around and be merry making friends in the beautiful coral reefs. A happy go lucky clown fish he was.. Deep down in him he had a dream, a dream of flying and soaring the blue skies above the water.. Just like a seagull, spreading the wings and float through the air with grace. But he knew he couldn't, because he's a clown fish. He would spend most of his time swimming to the shallow parts of the reef to watch enviously as the seagulls flies while braving the danger of being eaten by them..

There was this seagull that lived above the beautiful coral reefs. All day she would fly around the reefs and hunt for fishes. She was a hard working seagull just like any other, she flew back and fro to build her nest on land and gather food in sea. She would work tirelessly for months to secure her place in the flock of the seagulls. A hardworking seagulls she was.. Deep down in her she had a dream, a dream of swimming through the coral reefs and enjoy the beautiful colours of the blue sea beneath.. Just like a clown fish, flipping the fins and slide through the water effortlessly.. But she knew she couldn't, because she's a seagull. She would spend her time standing on the shallow parts of the reef and watch enviously as the fishes swam past the colours of corals..

Then one day both the clown fish and the seagull met each other on the shallow parts of the reef. They became friends. An unlikely pair indeed.

For the days that followed, they spent all their time together and they would meet at the shallow parts of the reef and talked about their different ways of life, how the seagulls would build their nest, how the fishes would find the corals to stay in. They would exchange experiences that they had, how beautiful and quiet the corals were in sea, how free and easy the skies would be. Sometimes the clown fish would direct the seagull and led her to see many other much more beautiful colourful coral reefs that she always dreamt about and no one had ever took her before. Sometimes the seagull would pick the clown fish up and let him feel the rush of flying that he always dreamt of, which no one could ever took him before. They had the time of their life. They were happy and had tremendous fun being in one another's company. Although they came from two different worlds but their natural abilities complimented one another's inadequate dreams. They completed each other.

They fell in love.

Being the unlikely couple, they didn't know how to tell anyone around them because they knew that there will be objections from many sides. So they decided to keep it a secret from the rest of the world, and tried to work things out on their own.

Months passed.

Then came a day when the seagull told the fish that she had to be away on land to finish her nest that she started months back and she'll be back within few days. The clown fish then told her that he'll be waiting for her at the shallow parts of the reef in a few days time. They both agreed on that and the seagull flew back to land to settle her unfinished nest.

The clown fish waited for days missing the seagull badly.

That day came and the seagull did not appear. The clown fish got worried and he was anxious.. He was concerned about the seagull's wellbeing and safety because its a dangerous place on land. He decided to risk it and went around looking for her near the land where most of the seagulls lived. He started asking other seagulls that he met about her hoping to find out what happened.

Days passed. The clown fish's efforts were in vain and so he returned to the shallow parts of the reef and continue to wait for the seagull.

A day later she flew back to meet him at the place where they agreed. The clown fish was overjoyed to see the seagull again. But the seagull wasn't. She was upset about what the fish had done. She was faced with many questions and objections from the flock when they knew about the clown fish existence. They didn't like it at all. So the seagull had to make a decision. A decision that would ultimately benefits both of them. A decision that the seagull and the fish had to face. A decision that were tough to make.

The seagull told the fish that they were entirely from different worlds and to co-exist with one another was difficult.

She had to stay with the flock and nest on land. She had to return to her nest building days and find a place in the flock.

He had to find a coral and lived in sea. He had to return to his corals and find a place to raise his young.

Too great were their distance. Too great were their differences. Going separate ways seems inevitable to them but it was for the good of them.

The clown fish was sorry for upsetting the seagull. But he knew it was too late. He had to face the fact. The brutal reality of life.

It was an accident that the seagull and the clown fish fell in love.

That day they parted quietly and their love was buried deep in the corals of the sea forever.

~ { 3:50 PM }
reflections of you and me;

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I cried alone at night... thats where my broken soul heals...

I thought I will never cry again for anyone... but I was wrong... so darn wrong..

It appears to me that by crying alone at night is the only solution to heal my broken soul... Cause no one can help you at all... No one...

I can't stop thinking... all those memories that I tried to suppress just keep coming back to my mind.. I felt so weak... I felt that I am almost losing my sanity just trying to do that..

I will stay up till late in the night just thinking or trying to stop thinking... Tears will flow endlessly and involuntarily and I can't do nothing about it..

Its Valentine's Day eve tonight..

I had planned out so many things to do with her, so many little surprises for her.... I even got ready my Valentine's gift way in advance for her.. just for tonight..

But now all these plans and surprises are useless... I felt lousy just thinking of that...

Now.. I can only wait.

Wait for her call.

I want to see her put on the gift that I bought for her. It will definitely look nice on her. I know. I hope I can see that.

In this lonely world of mine now... where I have a lot of thoughts and emotions that I can only write in here.. Its in here where I can really release all myself of that build up pressure... Its in here that I can slowly find myself back.. But to the world out there I will be the iceberg.. Cold and closed up..I even start to find myself not talking much.. I don't know why but I just don't feel like talking anymore.. I am shutting myself up slowly inside.

I made a promise to myself and to her... I will learn to control my emotions and no one will see me in that affected way anymore.. NO ONE.. Forgive me.. But I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

~ { 7:30 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Sunday, February 11, 2007

I will be fine...

I will be fine... I promise..

It is all my fault. I am sorry.

I'm sorry for disappointing you.

I'm sorry for all the hurt that I have caused you.

I'm sorry for being too over emotional.

I'm sorry for not sparing a thought for you.

I'm sorry for affecting you with my behaviour.

I'm sorry for not thinking about consequences when making decisions.

I'm sorry for not able to handle my feelings well.

I'm sorry that you are misunderstood by others because of me.

I'm sorry that I was badly affected when I say I won't be.

I'm sorry for not being matured enough.

I'm sorry for all that had happened.

I'm feeling remorse. It has dawned on me that it was me who messed up. It was me who lost it. The blame is on me. Yes it is.. but I know its too late now.
Too late to cry over spilt milk. Too late to save anything.
Too late to do anything.

Too late.

But I promise you that I'll be fine and I will be. There will not be anymore misunderstandings, no more bad behaviour, no more questionings, no more emotional outbreak, no more bad handling of feelings, no more...

I hope that you will be fine too.. Cause I still care for you..
I want to see you happy.
I want to see you successful in your work.
I want to see you walking strong in Him.
I want to see you in good shape.
I want to see you having fun.
I want to see you singing.
I want to see you laughing.

And I want to see you again.

I hope I will.

~ { 5:39 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Retreat.. By Jay Chow

My world turns grey as saltwater wells up in my weary eyes..

My smile was robbed when you made up your mind..

Every breath of the sourish air I took reminds me the drifting distance between us..

Every breath of the sourish air I took reminds me the painful decision that you made..

As I go through the faded pages of my dairy placed in the drawer of memories..

It was filled with happy times with you and your smile under the island sun..

The hands of time will wash away the happy memories of our past slowly and surely..

The careless tears that shed is redundant in the hands of time..

The fault doesn't lies in neither you nor me..

Just that we've neglected our own space and privacy..

Promises that made was hard to keep..

Time had brought us back to reality..

We were not wrong being together..

But is it right to let go of each other..

Only in our fond memories will this beautiful love story goes on and on..

~ { 5:19 AM }
reflections of you and me;

I started running again..

I went for my run at East Coast Park after the cell group meeting last night.. I ran further than I used to do but it wasn't a good run at all... I was very much exhausted and breathless.. Perhaps its due to the fact that I hasn't eat anything since early afternoon.. Or perhaps its because I hasn't slept since previous night.. Perhaps...
I wasn't in the right frame of mind.. Images of her keep flashing through.. All those memories keep on showing up... It maybe a short time that we spent together but it has a definite impact in my life... They say that when you found the one person that you will want to spent the rest of your life with, you will go through tremendous changes and transformation take places from within.. You are willing to give your all to that person just to see them happy.. Unconditionally...
I thought I finally found someone who can share the same interest with me, someone who will go running with me.. someone who is able to motivate me when I'm down and confused.. someone who will listens to me about my problems.. someone who believes in me.. someone whom I am willing to sacrifice for.. someone who made me want to settle down with..
Maybe I was thinking too far and too much.. maybe I am just too emotional.. maybe I just couldn't handle my feelings right... maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet.. Maybe I was planning the future ahead.. maybe I am concern of your well being.. maybe I was worried when I don't hear you at all.. maybe I'm just beginning to know you and we needed more time.. Maybe...
Too many times I wanted to tell someone about what I am going through but it seems to me I can't tell anyone at all.. No one seems to understands.. No one will... No one wants to anyway.. I realise that I have to face it alone.. I promise myself that I will not want to bother anyone about my problems again anymore.. NOT ANYMORE..
I guess I have to learn to close up myself more... not to let my emotional rule my head most the times.. yes.. I think thats what I should do.. Shut myself up to protect me from getting too emotional and not letting pain has the chance to creep in once again.. that way I might or might not be happier.. I don't know.. but that sounds like a pretty good idea.. Not getting hurt and not bothering anyone.. yeah... I like that..
But I am not letting go of you just yet... You still commands a important place in my heart.. and I will be waiting..

~ { 5:17 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Friday, February 09, 2007

Time to start running again..

I want to start running again... Long long runs... Runs that will never have an ending point.. so that I will not have to the time to stop and think of anything at all..

It is the only way that I have now to keep my sanity from the bites of reality...

It hurts real bad... but someone once told me that "Pain is Good, Pain is your Friend... It tells you that you are still Alive.."

I am certainly very much alive...

Some may think that I am running away from reality... but the fact is when I get on to the tracks I will be transported to somewhere so far away from everything that is bothering me.. thats somewhere that I can just do nothing but be in a state of blankness.. Just the endless tracks and me... There I found my serenity, there I found my retreat, there I found myself...

I will not know when I will stop running.. I just want to exhaust every ounce of my energy in running... so that I will not be able to think about anything at all when I stop... I wish that sometimes I would fall on my tracks and stop there... and not getting up again... just lie there bleeding and feeling the pain slowly seeping out of my body... seeing the world come to a closure in a painless way.. There it will take me to that special place where I will not feel any pain, thats where pain is no longer my friend.. there will only be fond memories and experiences that I keep with me.. there will only be secrets that I take with me.. there will only be faces that I remember in my mind..

There will only be me in the end.

I have started out running the long stretch alone...

And maybe.. probably.. I will end it alone too... soon..

~ { 12:57 AM }
reflections of you and me;

I'm sorry that I care...

I'm sorry that I care.... but its because you are important to me, thats why I want to know whether you are doing fine.. all I'm asking is just a simple message or a short call telling me that you are doing fine.. thats all.

I didn't know that will agitate you.. I'm still trying to get to know you better.. forgive me if I upset you.. it is just me trying to show concern in my very own way.. I know we need our own space in our daily life and I am open to suggestions on how to do it.. I'm trying to make things work here... Please tell me what you want me to do.. Cause I can't know whats on your mind sometimes.. I'm learning too..

Well, you said you need time to be alone, I'm fine with that.. I respected your decision right from the beginning and will stick to it till the end.. I don't wanna be pushy or pressurizing in any way to you.. I will now fade out of the picture momentarily and wait.. wait for you to call me again.. Don't worry, I'll be around.. just standing in a corner waiting for you..

I just wanna see you happy... cause I miss that cheerful and cheeky side of you... Work has been pretty demanding on you lately and it breaks my heart to see you feeling down and moody... I felt helpless cause I didn't know whats happening.. I wanted to help but I don't know how to cause you shut me out.. I know you just want time to yourself when you encounter problems at work, cause you have been dealing with it alone all these time... But things are slightly different now... you have me.. though I may not be able to help much but at least I can be the listening ear.. the shoulder for you to lean on.. I just wanna help.. I just hope you can understand that I care and I don't want to see you sad.. I waiting to see that cheerful and cheeky side of you to come back...

I really miss the days that we spent on that little island.. It was the most wonderful times that I had these past few years... Something beautiful blossoms that changes my entire life.. I found the rainbow that I am looking for all my life and that rainbow is you.. and I decided to run for it... to the end where the pot of gold lies.. though along the way there are difficulties and obstacles that we have to face but I am willing to go through all that with you to get to the end of the rainbow, cause I know we will be rewarded.. and best thing is I know I finish it with you by my side..

Maybe you'll see all these that I have written maybe you don't.. but I pray to God that when I see you again, you'll be that cheerful and cheeky you that I've miss so much about.. and I pray that things will only get better between us.. I got a good feeling about this.. Amen.

~ { 12:08 AM }
reflections of you and me;

~`♥ WeLc0mE

~`♥ Pr0fiLe

~`♥ tAgGiEs