Friday, March 23, 2007

First Aid Handbook for the Heartbroken.

Ever wondered what blokes talk about when we're not around? Here's your chance to find out.

iVillage and AskMen.com have joined forces to reveal what's really on men's minds. She ended it - and he feels like his future is in shambles. He's panicking and wants to beg for her back, and will do anything to make things right. But no matter how hard he tries, he can't get back to that little spot of sunlight where he felt so comfortable and safe. He must forget her - not as easy as it sounds - but with this blueprint, he'll soon be picking up the pieces of his shattered heart - and manhood - in no time.

1. Take her off that pedestal. Don't idolize her and build her up into something great. She is nothing of the sort. So don't gaze lovingly at pictures of her. Don't jump to answer her e-mail or phone calls. And definitely don't go out of your way for her. She no longer deserves preferential treatment.

2. Get closure... It's essential to definitively end any hopes of reconciliation between the two of you. And if you can't get that into your head, she owes you the courtesy of making it crystal clear. She should tell you: 'I never loved you. I don't love you now. We'll never get back together.' After some prodding, she'll probably do it, just to get rid of you. It provides what therapists call 'closure.' And you can begin to heal.

3. Then don't contact her. After the relationship reaches finality, you have to break off contact or you will go mad. Don't beg or cry. Don't drunk-dial. Don't write her e-mail. Don't send packages or CDs. Don't dedicate a song to her on the radio. Geddit? She will find you if she wants to. And even if you can talk your way back into her arms, it's only a temporary reprieve. She already knows you want her back, and she doesn't care. Take that as a sign.

4. Get negative feelings out on paper. Write her a letter pouring out your negative and weepy feelings, then disassociate them from yourself. Throw the letter away or burn it. But definitely don't send it to her. You will only regret it. She will show her friends and her new boyfriend. And they will all share a good laugh.

5. Avoid her friends and any places she goes to. Don't venture into her territory. You won't be welcome. Find new places to hang out for the first few months and make new friends, if necessary. If any of your friends insist on maintaining contact with her, you may have to shut them out, too - at least temporarily. After some time has passed, you should go back to living normally, and that means hanging out at these places and reconnecting with your mutual friends.

6. Throw away anything that reminds you of her. You don't have to burn it all, but definitely get pictures, gifts, clothing, letters, and e-mail out of your living area, or at least out of your line of vision. If that means giving away roughly half of your wardrobe to get rid of the memory of her, so be it. As a rule of thumb, if the object makes you think of her, discard it. This can also save your sanity.

7. Don't try to get your stuff back. Unless it's a diamond ring or something that's one-of-a-kind, you're better off not contacting her to get it back. DVDs, clothes, your extra toothbrush... just let 'em go. They're only possessions. Is it really worth the pain of being in her presence just to reclaim a pair of boxer shorts? Don't exchange your dignity for menial belongings.

8. Spend time with your friends. Let your pals give you a wake up call on how your ex wasn't that perfect to begin with, and that there are more fish in the sea. A little male camaraderie can go a long way towards getting your head straight. We've all been detonated by a woman before and most of us will likely get detonated again.

9. Exercise your newfound freedom. Freedom is always intoxicating. There's a world of activities you can partake in that you were never able to enjoy because your 'other half' didn't approve. So indulge. Travel. Build a model ship. Go hiking. Play video games on your computer. Watch TV all weekend. Do anything you want. Why not start boxing? Ideally, you want to find an activity that allows you to release your anger and alleviate stress.

10. Remember the bad times. If you feel nostalgic, then think of all the times she was a cow to you. That should do it. Remember the time she made you wait by the dressing room as she endlessly tried on clothing? Or the time she reminded you not too drink too much in front of your mates? Nobody wants that back.

11. Sleep with another girl. Nothing reminds you that you are a man quite like having a new woman in your bed. So take solace in the arms of another. Call it a rebound if you wish. Plenty of heartbroken men go this route and for a very good reason - it makes you feel better, even if it's only temporary. So go out there and feel better about yourself!

Bonus: Seduce somebody she's jealous of. Remember the hair stylist or the hot barmaid your ex scolded you for looking at? Well, now's your chance to make a move that will pay off in more ways than just sex. Just think, if your ex finds out you've been fishing in familiar waters, it will drive her to the point of hysteria. This can be quite gratifying.

Getting the woman of your past out of your present is a mental and emotional challenge of the first order. However the tried and true guidelines above should have your heart mended in no time.

~ { 10:14 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Apartment for Rent.

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please remit the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

~ { 10:09 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Decades of Memories - Part I

Its was at the first light on a August morning during the mid 1970s when this boy came into the world. With clenched fists he wailed.. Did he cried to proclaim his victory that he finally made it to existence or to protest his deliverance into such chaotic and messed up world? No one knows either..

In that room of Alexandra Hospital that day, he finally made his entrance into the world.
That little boy grew up quickly and healthy, was seen as a hyper active baby and a very curious one too.. always smiling and restless.. He picked up walking faster than expected... He wanted to go places.. He was getting stronger by the day...

Untill one day, at the tender age of one, he fell sick. He was running a high temperature fever, his mum brought him to the doctors but the fever didn't recede. So his mum seeked help from relatives.. they told her to get antelope's horn shavings and boiled it with water, because antelope's horn were known to cure high fever. So she went ahead and fed the little boy with that, true enough, the fever stopped. But something else creeped in.. the medication his mum gave was too strong that it the little boy suffered coughs.. coughs that lasted for weeks.. That boy was later diagnosed asthmatic and for years to come he would carry that problem with him and hope that it'll be cured someday.

Kindergarten years was fast for him, he left a year early because he passed a certain test that year to qualify him for primary school.. So he didn't remember much of his friends for that short one year.

Growing up in the primary school for the little boy wasn't easy at all.. he had been told by his mum and the teachers in schools not to go running around with the rest of the kids during P.E lessons or recess times when everyone was playing catching or hide-and-seek, he would be the that fat little kid sitting by the corner of the field watching the rest of the kids playing. He wasn't allowed to eat cold stuffs like ice-creams or fruits, or drink cold soft drinks. He knew he couldn't run or eat and drink cold stuffs, he would suffer an asthma attack if he were to exert too much of his weak congested lungs.. but deep inside him he wanted so much to be able to run like the rest of them.. up and down the field, playing, getting dirt and mud of the face and the school shoes.. chasing the stray cats and dogs across the open carpark, climbing the monkey ladders behind the school.. all these he couldn't even do one.. all he could do was to stare enviously at them..

At that time, the little boy prayed that if one day he would be cured of that illness, he would want to be an athlete, a sportsman.. He want to run like the wind and jump like the bunny. He wanted to be healthy like the rest of the kids in the field.. That prayer was made everytime he sat alone by the corner of the field watching the other kids played.

He was nine years old when he broke a bone of his right forearm while playing at home with his younger brother.. they were playing a spinning game where they would twirl themselves around and tried walking straight after that.. it was fun for both of them untill that little boy slammed his right arm against the edge of the wall after tripping over a stool. He was petrified when he heard that snapping sound of his arm.. He was in shock when he couldn't move his fingers at all.. tremendous pain engulfed him when he tried to move his right arm... His mum rushed back home from work after his neighbours called up, with teary eyes she reprimanded him for being naughty.. He was sent to General Hospital and came back with a cast in an overhead sling.. because of his condition he needed someone to look after during the day when his mum was away at work, so he and his younger brother were left at his granny's to be taken care of by her..

There he started to learn about the world.

Life was tough for the little boy when he was staying with his granny, he's the second eldest among the grandkids that was taken care by her, but he wasn't the favourite one, instead he was the beaten one most of the time.. he'll get blamed for things that he didn't do, punished for someone else's mistakes.. He and his younger brother was the labeled as the black sheeps in the kids..

All because his granny didn't like them. Not because they are naughty, its because they are poor.

The little boy's family was poor, mum had to work as a cleaner in Pulau Bukom refinery in order to support the family, dad worked as a ceiling labourer and was in and out of job most of the time.. and because they didn't earn much they couldn't afford much to give to granny for taking care of the two sons.. and granny wasn't too happy about that, even more so were the rest of the relatives whose kids were taken care by granny too..

The rest of the relatives looked down upon them, they said that the little boy and his younger brother were bad influences to the rest of the grandkids.. They started to instill ideas and thoughts to granny, asking her to stop taking care of them and to send them home because they didn't want their kids to mix around with the little boy and his younger brother. They began to spread bad rumours and backstabbed that little boy's mum to granny.. without even investigating the truth, little boy's gullible granny sent them home, forcing the little boy's mum to terminate her job immediately and lost half a month's salary for that.

His mum was devastated, his mum was angry.. but his mum was strong and determined. That if no one would want to help her, she would do it on her own.. and that was what she did.. She found a job quickly in a electronic production factory around their neighbourhood and she worked midnight shift permanently so that she could take care of the little boy and his younger brother in the day.. She would take up home based part time job from factories below their one room HDB flat in Redhill Close such as card box folding, ball-point pens riveting, labels pasting on pen caps.. anything that could bring home extra cash she took up.. and sometimes the little boy and his younger brother would stay up late at nights when his mum was off from the electronic factory to help her out in the jobs..

Life was tough back then... but it was fun.. to do things together as a family, the little boy was happy.. even though he didn't have alot of toys or hand held computer games to play with.. he was contented with his old Batman and He-man figurine which his neighbour's kid didn't want it and passed it to him.. He would spend his days with his younger brother playing the imagination game or the fighting game with those.. Because he couldn't go out and play much he spent most of his time at home watching television.. He got shortsightedness at the age of ten, and spectacles was his friend ever since then..

One fine Saturday afternoon, the little boy brought home a pair of cute fluffy chicks from a school excursion to a poultry farm in Lim Chu Kang... he had never kept chicks in his entire ten years of his life, it was a very incredible experience for him.. He named them Chicky and Chickadee.. That was how he became an animal lover after keeping the chicks.. sadly, the chicks grew up and ended on the dinner table by his mum, that evening when the little boy came home from school, he refused to eat dinner and cried the entire night over it.

It was late in the night on the little boy's eleven years old birthday when his dad came home drunk. His dad had been out of job for a long time and he was not bringing home money to support the family.. He came home drunk nights after nights.. sometimes he didn't even came home.. His dad develop the habit shortly after he loses his previous job and had bad company of friends asking him out.. He was gambling, drinking, even on dope. That night he came back drunk as usual and got into a fight with little boy's mum.. It started out from verbal abuses.. and it slowly turned violent.. Little boy knows that his dad was not just drunk from alcohol, he was high on dope too, he knew because he seen his dad in that state too many times. But this time was different, the argument went ugly with little boy's dad picking up the chopper and pressing against his mum's neck.. little boy cried and kneeled down besides his dad legs clinging on to them begging his dad not to do it, pleading him to put down the weapon..

Time froze for that moment.. his dad threw down the chopper and went packing his bags.. He took off for three months.. Little boy didn't know where he went, he didn't know when will his dad come back.. all he saw was his mum crying late at night alone by the kitchen window, and the loan sharks that came up to look for his dad.. Little boy's family was falling apart.. because of gambling, drinking, and drugs. The little boy hated all of it since. He swore not to be like his dad when he grew up.

Throughout his twelve years of life, the little boy was under strict supervision by his mum. Because his mum had high expectations from him as being the eldest son in the family. She wants him to set a good example for his younger brother.. and discipline from her were harsh.. Canes were always the solutions to disciplinary problems.. Little boy detested cane system alot.. a hell lot... because he would go to school with bruises and cuts all over his body, due to the caning session the day before from his mum for being naughty or not listening to her.. his classmates would look curiously at wounds on him and wonder how he got them.. the little boy would be laughed at by them for the wounds.. but its because of the rod.. that little boy didn't go astray.. but it was a painful way to learn.

It was two days after his twelve years old birthday when his mum made him a bowl of tonic soup.. it contained a drumstick and plenty of Chinese herbs, the soup was dark in colour and had certain herbal fragrance to it. His mum told him to drink up and finish the drumstick.. He was delighted and finished the entire bowl.. when his mum revealed to him it was actually tonic soup with bat's meat, the little boy nearly vomited all out.. but it was too late then.. little did he realised that the bowl of soup was the answer to his prayer when he sat alone at the field watching the kids play. That bowl of bat's meat soup cured the asthma in him. Since then he would not have any relapse of asthma. He would not need to rush to hospital for Ventolin inhalant whenever the weather turn cold. He would not need to wait eagerly in his bed when he was hospitalised for his granny who wouldn't show up for a week even though she lived just four bus stops away from the hospital. He would not need to sit by the corner of the field and envied the kids running up and down. He would fulfill his dreams of being a athlete, a sportsman.. because he was given a chance in his life to be able to run.. to be healthy again.

PSLE came that year and when little boy's mum collected the results nervously, she was delighted that her eldest son had scored 4 As and was able to get into the secondary school that she had chosen for him.. She was truly happy that day, little boy saw it in her eyes.. He saw her teared with joy in her eyes at the school hall that day.. He would never forget that for the rest of his life. He had showed it to those who looked down on them. He proved to them that he was the 4 As student. He achieved what he wanted to do.

Life took a great turn in the boy's life when he started secondary school..

There he started to experience the world.

(To be continue in Part II.. Stay tune..)

~ { 10:03 AM }
reflections of you and me;

My Tuesday with Morrie.. Thank you Professor Morrie Schwartz.

March 13th 2007. It was a Tuesday.

I met Professor Morrie Schwartz.

I sat in for a lesson in his class. The subject was on The Meaning of Life. No qualification was needed, no textbooks required, no tests or examinations be given, no projects to hand in.

It was the best lesson I ever learned.

Indeed it was.

We talked. No... He talked, I listened.

He talked about the world.. how it became uncompassionate and cold.. why everyone seems to operate under the same set of thinking and behaviour.. Just because the world said so?

How our values was advertised pervertedly by the world.. The perverted values of being slim to be beautiful, wearing that certain designer's wear to be sexy, being rich to be a winner in life.. What happens to the person who couldn't slim down? What happens to the person who cannot afford designer's wear? What happens to the person who's only an average income earner?

How the system whereby we lived in became too commercialised with twisted cultures of wrong information.. The twisted culture that promoted bigger paychecks, bigger cars, bigger houses.. The system wanted us to believe in that, it kept repeating in forms of media, papers, magazines.. untill no one talked about bigger hearts for the less fortunate or spending time caring the elderly and homeless.. Not anymore..

He talked about how money became the God of the world.. people worshiped it.. they would put their entire life into getting more of it.. they would sacrificed anything just to be able to possess great abundance of it.. because those who possessed tremendous amount of it would be worshiped and get the nods from those in the world.. and for those who don't would be looked down upon.. Since when monetary status determined the category of people you belonged to?

He talked about how we were afraid to let go ourselves into different emotional conditions.. we would held back ourselves from emotions that we had never encountered, we feared about that.. we couldn't let go and let the emotions embraced us.. we should.. but only momentarily... we must let ourselves experience the entire process of emotions running through us... be it pain, happyness, hurt, loneliness, jealousy... but we must detach ourselves from it once we had done experiencing the emotions and moved on.. dwelling in the same emotions would not get us anywhere in life.. Life goes on, so must we..

He talked about family.. how sometimes we don't say or do the things that we should to show affections to our family.. because we felt embarrassed saying or doing that.. we don't openly display our affection to our parents or tell them that how much we loved them openly.. its perfectly alright to behave that way.. because most of us was brought up that way.. but why must we wait till there isn't much time left with them that we would outrightly display our affection and confessed the words that could have spoken much earlier?

He talked about marriage to me... I couldn't fathom it at first but it dawned on me much later into conversation when he said that many people don't know what they really want in a partner. They don't even know themselves, so how could they know who they were marrying? Marriage is more than just a piece of paper and two sets of rings.. Its a whole lot of compromising, communicating, understanding, acceptance, respect and most important the same values in life.. there will be tests after tests... but things would only get better each time with tests being accomplished.. Love each other or perish.. thats what he said to me.

He went on talking about regrets and forgiveness.. Regrets I had a few... well, maybe a handful... We were often too caught up in our daily life that we forgotten to stop and see the little details happening in our life, we were too focused on what's important like work and money... we neglected the people around us, especially our family, our loved ones.. they don't need our money... they need our time. We would regret not giving them our time when we lose them..
We had too much ego in us most of the times to forgive others who had done us wrong in the past... Why must we lament the lost chance to forgive them when they were gone? By then its too late to make peace with our inner being.. But how to achieve that? I was confused untill he told me to forgive ourselves to forgive others. Make peace with oneself and others around you.

Finally he ended the lesson with the topic on death and how love goes on after that.. He talked about how death was regarded as fearful to many.. because many out there were living unhappily, living in despair, living with unsatisfied life, living with unfinished business, living with broken dreams.. they feared aging.. they feared death.. they feared that they would not be remembered after they passed on from this world.. leaving behind incomplete tasks in life.. They would only learn how to live their life right when they learned how to die.. they would do things differently... they would no longer be afraid of death.. by then they would be more focused on doing what they really wanted to instead of impermanent essentials.. Death could only stop a life, it couldn't stop a relationship.. Love goes on after you die.. thats what they should focused on.. because love is the only rational act, between the struggle of rights and wrongs only love would win it all..

Lesson ended with Professor Morrie Schwartz breathed his last.

I left the class with tears smudging all over my face.

He changed my life entirely.

You should have met Morrie too.

Thank you Morrie.

~ { 9:55 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Man in the mirror... I don't know him at all..

I looked into the mirror lately... and I couldn't recognised the man in it anymore.. I don't know him at all... That is not me I am looking at...

Who is he?

Where is my reflection then?

How did he replaced me?

What happen to me?

When did he took over?

Why did he do that for?

That man in the mirror is full of hurt... Can see that he was badly hurt before by someone or something in his life, that was so impactful that it thrown him off his balance in his once routinal life..

That man in the mirror is full of anger... Can see that he was very angry of himself for not able to do anything at all when shit happens to him and around him, he was very angry of himself for being useless and helpless..

That man in the mirror is full of hatred... Can see that he hated himself for being foolishly lived in his unrealistic world for too long and he hated the world that he is stepping into now..

That man in the mirror is full of insanity... Can see that he was crazy enough to give up his beliefs that he held with him all this while, crazy enough to give up his passion of his life now..

That man in the mirror is full of broken dreams... Can see that he was trying to fix his broken dreams that he perceived before, all those broken dreams that he can never mend it back again..

That man in the mirror is me.

But I don't know him at all.. Where did my reflection go then? I have no idea at all...

Where is that person that I used to see in the mirror?

The person that was always happy go lucky, the person that was without a care in the world.. The person that was contented of what he had, the person that was confident in what he does, the person who was disciplined in his passion of his life.. the person who was organised with his routinal life.. the person who had dreams to achieve, the person who stood by his beliefs.. the person that smiled from his heart, the person who loved the world genuinely..

That person is gone now.

When did that person left? I got no clue on that..

It just happened one fine day when I finally stopped and take a look at the mirror closely and found a stranger staring back at me. That was all that I can remember. When did the stranger took over my place in the mirror? I don't know.

Guess I have to deal with the stranger in the mirror now and start knowing him slowly.. Maybe I might be comfortable with him as my reflection to the world? Or maybe not?

Maybe that person I know in the mirror might come back again? Maybe he won't?

Maybe I should stop looking into the mirror from now.

~ { 9:51 AM }
reflections of you and me;

The dead end of love.

I want to forget about you.. I want to stop remembering that I once loved you..
I want to let the hands of time delete the memories of you and me quietly and slowly..
I want to stop myself thinking of you.. I want to stop letting sadness occupy my heart..
Just let all those gone with the cold midnight wind... gone without a single trace..
All those happy and sad moments of the past be gone with the harsh endless night wind..
What my heart lingers and long for will not be you anymore..
I don't want to carry that burden anymore.. I want to forget about you..
Wiping off the careless tears on my face.. I will pretend that I am fine when I tear apart all those memories of you and me and throw them out of my broken heart..
I have got to forget about you.
I will forget about you.
I will find a way to forget that beautiful you in my heart..
You'll see.
The cold wind of the drizzling night tore my heart apart.. In drunken stupor I staggered myself home..
There was a beautiful and yet blurry kind of gloom in the drizzle that night.. That makes me want another pint of beer..
Loving you I have never any regrets.. Leaving you maybe my one greatest regret..
The stinging stench of alcohol on my body suppressed my welling tears in my eyes..
Why do I cry that bitterly? Is it because I still hope that you will come back?
It has come to a point of no return.. No turning back now.. and I know that pretty well..
Why do I cry that bitterly? Is it because I still believe that you still love me?
I couldn't believe in myself... I couldn't believe in that shallow yet delusioned self anymore..
A bitter man I cried..
To love or not to.. To forget or not to..
I cannot set them apart anymore.. What can I do to forget about those promises that have made in the past..
I don't know..
All I know is that I have come to the part of the road where love ends.
That is the dead end of love.

~ { 9:49 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Monday, March 05, 2007

My pursuit of Happyness.

Pursuit of Happyness.. we have to pursue our very own happyness, whether we get there in the end or not.. I'm not sure.. but I'm pretty sure happyness will not be shoved into our hands just like that.. we have to fight for it, chase after it, make a run for it.. A long run indeed..

My pursuit of happyness started so long ago.. ha... come to think of it now... its been too long.. too long..

Well, I remembered back in my young times when I was still in primary school, I scored 4 As for my PSLE.. at that time I thought I would be somebody in life.. at the time I thought I will make it big when I grew up.. at that time I was wrong.. Look at me now.. what have I achieved in my career? What have I accomplished in life? Was there happyness?

Nothing.

All this while I lived in a world I created which I believed that it was happyness to me.. I had lived in a world that I created for too long.. A world that I thought I could live for the rest of my life just playing basketball.. a world that I spent most of my time and efforts in.. a world that I considered myself to be pretty good at.. a world of happyness?

That world doesn't exist on this earth.. I didn't realise that..

Untill someone came into my life and brought me back to earth. Someone who made me realise the harsh reality of the real world.. someone who showed me where exactly I have been living all this time of my life. Suddenly for the first time in my life I realise what a loser in life I am.. For the first time I see the real world that I have not been living in.. I feel that I am inadequate to the real world.. I know that I am so way back behind compared to my friends around me.. I am just a big fat zero.. That's what I am..

Nothing.

So what if I have achieved a place in that virtual little happyness world I created.. so what if I am somebody in that virtual little happyness world I created.. so what if I can still run and jump real fast and high in that virtual little happyness world I created.. so what?

So where's the happyness? In the real world out there?

To the real world out here, all those things don't worth a single piece of shit at all.. In the real world out here, I am worthless.. In the real world out here, I have nothing.

No happyness. So where can I find happyness?

I'm lost.. Yes I am..

My pursuit of happyness started off from the wrong world. Now I have to transit myself back to earth and start anew in this strange and cold harsh land.. where I find myself totally out of place.. all that I'm left with now.. its only me, myself and my low self-esteem.. argh.. I feel lousy, I feel that I'm a loser.. I feel that I am losing sight of my happyness that i am pursuing..

I don't know why I feel this way.. Maybe because I was brought up by my mum telling me that I'll just be someone mediocre in life? She never believed in me that I will make it big someday.. She have doubts in the things I do.. She don't believe in me. Period. "Go find a factory job and work and stop dreaming!", she always says that when we argue.. Well, over the years of growing up i can say that I'm pretty used to that by now. All those verbal abuses and not to mention those physical abuses too.. so much for happyness..

But I still love my mum. I really do.

To think that my happyness can be found in someone else was the most stupidest thing I ever did.. I was damn wrong. I pinned too much hope in finding happyness in that someone who turn out in the end just another passerby in my life.. Ha.. what a joke I was to the world then.. little did I realise that I have nothing in this real world to offer the someone to exchange for happyness and when I got rejected handsdown, it finally dawn on me that happyness actually comes with a price. That price I'm talking about is your market value to the real world. Its not about how good you look.. Its about how good your bankbook look..

Now that is the happyness the real world knows.

Now I know.. happy endings only happen in fairytales.

Sad but true.. I am living in the real world now.. Dark and cold, harsh and ruthless, uncompassionate and practical.. I have to learn my ways in here.. feel my way around.. carrying on my pursuit of my happyness.. don't know when will I find it and embrace it with tears of joy?

I don't know at all.. but I am not giving up that easily just yet..

Untill then.. my Happyness will be written like that.. because "I" am not in it.

Not yet.

~ { 12:01 PM }
reflections of you and me;

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Letters from Iwo Jima.. Three Thumbs Up!!!

Caught the foreign film by Clint Eastwood and Steven Spielberg two nights ago.

Letters from Iwo Jima.

I cried.

Thats how good it is.. I give it a three thumbs up... If I have three thumbs I would.. Its the best foreign film I've seen so far... Fantastic buildup of the whole storyline.. Gripping emotional scenes.. Devastating effects of the real war that actually took place decades ago.. Heart wrenching moments.. and many more..

Ken Watanabe is THE MAN... Outstanding performance in Letters from Iwo Jima.. He's so good in the film that I actually believed that he might have been there on Iwo Jima decades ago fighting the Americans. He was so convincing as the General.. well, it'll be a honour to served under him though..

But well, it wasn't the General character that I felt for the most.. Its another guy... A guy who was the only survivor from the Japanese side on Iwo Jima.. The only man to walk out of the battle alive on that volcanic little island.. He survived not because he fought the war, its because he did not engage in any fights on the battlefield at all.. He dodges from caves to caves just to avoid the gun fire.. He was enlisted and sent there not by his own will.. He didn't want to be there.. fighting a war which he cannot understands why.. He wants to quit but he can't..

He was labeled as a coward by his commanders.. He flees when his comrades commits suicide in the caves after they lost the fight over the Americans.. He hides away from the confrontation of bullets when his fellow countrymen brave the rounds with their bodies..

One by one he watch them fall.. Untill he see his respectable General fall right in front of him.. He was the one who saved him by asking him to stay while he and the rest of the remaining troops marched out to face the Americans in the final attempt to retaliate.. But resistance is futile.. Those that went out that day didn't make it back to the cave.

Except for the coward..his task was to burn everything up and leave no trace at all.. He did what he was told to do except for the letters that his fellow countrymen wrote.. The letters never got out of the island.. they got piled up in bundles and bundles.. all through the 40 days long of battle, all the emotional struggles and physical torments... all written in the letters that meant to be sent home.. but didn't.. The coward dug up a hole and bury the entire bundle in it..

Little will he know that these will be found and dug up decades after the war.. to be of good testimonials for the heroes that fought the war on Iwo Jima.. to tell the world what exactly happen on that island that time..

Why does that guy do such treasonous acts in the battle of Iwo Jima? Has he no love for the country? Does he fear death? Is he a coward by nature? Has he no compassion after seeing his countrymen dies trying to save him?

All this because of a promise that he made.

A promise to his loving wife and unborn child back home. That he will return home safe and sound... to watch his kid grow up and lead a simple life as a baker with his wife and grow old together holding hands in the evening sunset of Yokohama..

A promise that many made to their love ones before they left for war.

A promise that not many were able to keep.

He kept it.

But the price to pay for was great. He have to live the rest of his life with guilt in his conscience.. knowing that he had not fight alongside with his comrades yet survived while others didn't.

Is it worth it? I feel that it is.. some may disagree with me.. but I think that I rather be with my loved ones and die together when war hits us at home than dying alone on the battlefields fighting a war that is not even your own..

For me I would do that.. I rather be the coward in everybody's eyes and be the hero of my loved ones in their life..

What about you?

~ { 12:54 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Monday, February 26, 2007

Love is selfless or Love is selfish?

Well, there's something I don't understand... That is whether is LOVE is selfless or LOVE is selfish?

I'm still trying to grasp the true meaning of LOVE... Its a four letter word that have been a mystery to me all this time..

Is it an emotion?

Is it a theory?

Is it a practice?

Is it a religion?

Is it lifestyle?

Or is it just plain bullshit?

I don't know... I really don't know.. No one can explain it, no one that I met.
I have been searching for the missing piece of my life puzzle all this while...

So many times in life I thought I had found it... So many times I was wrong.. Will I ever find the missing piece? That thought is beginning to fade out into the darkness of time once again.

Lately as I walk along the streets and I see loving couples holding hands and hugging one another strolling by, I can't help but to envy them.. But on the other hand I wonder.. that is the person besides them the right one for them in their life? How do they know that he or she is the right one? Do they just know or do they feel more than think about it? How long does they take to know or feel that way? Is it an instant thought or emotion that will shoot right into them when they are together? Or do they go through a period of time before they know they found the right one? I wonder...

Someone once told me this... That in life there is never the right one for you.. Is just loving the person right... well said... not its not easy to do that.. To love a person right takes time.. not to mention patience in trying to get to know the person more, understanding how the person behaves in different situation.. communicating with one another, be it just talk or argument.. accepting the differences of each other, not changing but accepting.. thats the difficult part. Its never easy to accomplish all that.. Thats where alot of them out there failed.. I seen too many cases, too many.

I failed too.

I'm amazed how others handle their emotions when they face with relationships problems..
I seen people take it as if nothing had happen at all, which I'm very surprised and impressed by them, cause they are able to hide their emotions so well in front of the world.. I don't know whether they felt so hurt that they closed up from the world out there.. Or maybe they aren't hurt at all? Cause they weren't serious at all in the first place? I seen people broke down into tears and totally devastated when it happen, they cried for nights, weeks, even months. I guess they must have felt the world caved in on them cause they felt hurt? Or are they trying to gain sympathy? So that they could have another chance again?

Different strokes for different folks... Along the way, I picked up a lesson or two on this... I realised that sometimes you need to know how to regulate your feelings... Its like installing a regulator in your emotions department, a switch to turn on and off, or a tap that can adjust the quantity of emotions flowing out.. That way, you will be able to manage your emotions better when it comes to relationship problems.. You will know how to adjust yourself to different situations and conditions...

My friend told me that don't give your all when you are just starting out in a new relationship cause you never know whether will it work out in the end or not. Regulate the emotions slowly towards the other party and in time to come you will adjust the flow depending on the situation and condition of the relationship.

That sounded reasonable.. But how much time do we need?

But I always think that if you don't give your all in a relationship to make things work you are not not being fair to the other party. That way how are you going to know whether it'll work out eventually? Cause you are constantly not giving your full 100% into the relationship due to the fact you are holding back? Just so that you will not get hurt again? Just so that you are sure that it will work out then you invest more? Just so that you will not be wrong again?

So LOVE is selfish?

But what about being fair to the other party? What about being truthful to other party? What about putting the heart and soul into the relationship? What about unconditional love? Is there such thing still? Do you feel good when you know your other half is not giving all in this relationship with you? Can you forgive them for doing that if you finds out? And still be with him or her? Can you allow yourself to wait for your other half to make sure before he or she starts to commit to the relationship? Can you forget about the betrayal they did to you in the past? Just because you really love him or her so much?

So LOVE is selfless?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll only know when LOVE happens...

~ { 10:56 PM }
reflections of you and me;

A simple busy plan.

Satan called a worldwide convention of demons.

In his opening address he said,

'We can't keep Christians from going to church.'
'We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth.'
'We can't even keep them from forming an intimate relationship with their saviour.'
'Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken.'

'So let them go to their churches; let them have their covered dish dinners, BUT steal their time, so they don't have time to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ..'

'This is what I want you to do,' said the devil:

'Distract them from gaining hold of their Saviour and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!'

'How shall we do this?' his demons shouted.

'Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds,' he answered.
'Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow.'

'Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty lifestyles.'

'Keep them from spending time with their children.'

'As their families fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work!'
'Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small voice.'

'Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive.' To keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly.'

'This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ.'

'Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers.'
'Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day.'

'Invade their driving moments with billboards.'
'Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes..'

'Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands will believe that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll become dissatisfied with their wives. '
'Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night.'

'Give them headaches too! '
'If they don't give their husbands the love they need, they will begin to look elsewhere.'

'That will fragment their families quickly!'

'Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the real meaning of Christmas.'
'Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk about his resurrection and power over sin and death.'

'Even in their recreation, let them be excessive.'
'Have them return from their recreation exhausted.'

'Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies instead.'

'Keep them busy, busy, busy!'

'And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences. '
'Crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Jesus.'

'Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause.'

'It will work!'
'It will work!'

It was quite a plan!

The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get busier and more rushed, going here and there.

Having little time for their God or their families.

Having no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives.

I guess the question is, has the devil been successful in his schemes?
Does 'BUSY' mean: B-eing U-nder S-atan's Y-oke?

You be the judge!!!!!

~ { 10:49 PM }
reflections of you and me;

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Accidental Love Story.. Inspired by Jay Chow.

This love story began in the coral reefs.

There was this little clown fish that lived in the beautiful coral reefs in the sea. All day he would swim around the corals having fun and enjoying the colours of the reefs. He wouldn't care much about the world around him when other fishes were busy finding places to live in or feeding their young. He just want to make full use of his time to swim around and be merry making friends in the beautiful coral reefs. A happy go lucky clown fish he was.. Deep down in him he had a dream, a dream of flying and soaring the blue skies above the water.. Just like a seagull, spreading the wings and float through the air with grace. But he knew he couldn't, because he's a clown fish. He would spend most of his time swimming to the shallow parts of the reef to watch enviously as the seagulls flies while braving the danger of being eaten by them..

There was this seagull that lived above the beautiful coral reefs. All day she would fly around the reefs and hunt for fishes. She was a hard working seagull just like any other, she flew back and fro to build her nest on land and gather food in sea. She would work tirelessly for months to secure her place in the flock of the seagulls. A hardworking seagulls she was.. Deep down in her she had a dream, a dream of swimming through the coral reefs and enjoy the beautiful colours of the blue sea beneath.. Just like a clown fish, flipping the fins and slide through the water effortlessly.. But she knew she couldn't, because she's a seagull. She would spend her time standing on the shallow parts of the reef and watch enviously as the fishes swam past the colours of corals..

Then one day both the clown fish and the seagull met each other on the shallow parts of the reef. They became friends. An unlikely pair indeed.

For the days that followed, they spent all their time together and they would meet at the shallow parts of the reef and talked about their different ways of life, how the seagulls would build their nest, how the fishes would find the corals to stay in. They would exchange experiences that they had, how beautiful and quiet the corals were in sea, how free and easy the skies would be. Sometimes the clown fish would direct the seagull and led her to see many other much more beautiful colourful coral reefs that she always dreamt about and no one had ever took her before. Sometimes the seagull would pick the clown fish up and let him feel the rush of flying that he always dreamt of, which no one could ever took him before. They had the time of their life. They were happy and had tremendous fun being in one another's company. Although they came from two different worlds but their natural abilities complimented one another's inadequate dreams. They completed each other.

They fell in love.

Being the unlikely couple, they didn't know how to tell anyone around them because they knew that there will be objections from many sides. So they decided to keep it a secret from the rest of the world, and tried to work things out on their own.

Months passed.

Then came a day when the seagull told the fish that she had to be away on land to finish her nest that she started months back and she'll be back within few days. The clown fish then told her that he'll be waiting for her at the shallow parts of the reef in a few days time. They both agreed on that and the seagull flew back to land to settle her unfinished nest.

The clown fish waited for days missing the seagull badly.

That day came and the seagull did not appear. The clown fish got worried and he was anxious.. He was concerned about the seagull's wellbeing and safety because its a dangerous place on land. He decided to risk it and went around looking for her near the land where most of the seagulls lived. He started asking other seagulls that he met about her hoping to find out what happened.

Days passed. The clown fish's efforts were in vain and so he returned to the shallow parts of the reef and continue to wait for the seagull.

A day later she flew back to meet him at the place where they agreed. The clown fish was overjoyed to see the seagull again. But the seagull wasn't. She was upset about what the fish had done. She was faced with many questions and objections from the flock when they knew about the clown fish existence. They didn't like it at all. So the seagull had to make a decision. A decision that would ultimately benefits both of them. A decision that the seagull and the fish had to face. A decision that were tough to make.

The seagull told the fish that they were entirely from different worlds and to co-exist with one another was difficult.

She had to stay with the flock and nest on land. She had to return to her nest building days and find a place in the flock.

He had to find a coral and lived in sea. He had to return to his corals and find a place to raise his young.

Too great were their distance. Too great were their differences. Going separate ways seems inevitable to them but it was for the good of them.

The clown fish was sorry for upsetting the seagull. But he knew it was too late. He had to face the fact. The brutal reality of life.

It was an accident that the seagull and the clown fish fell in love.

That day they parted quietly and their love was buried deep in the corals of the sea forever.

~ { 3:50 PM }
reflections of you and me;

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I cried alone at night... thats where my broken soul heals...

I thought I will never cry again for anyone... but I was wrong... so darn wrong..

It appears to me that by crying alone at night is the only solution to heal my broken soul... Cause no one can help you at all... No one...

I can't stop thinking... all those memories that I tried to suppress just keep coming back to my mind.. I felt so weak... I felt that I am almost losing my sanity just trying to do that..

I will stay up till late in the night just thinking or trying to stop thinking... Tears will flow endlessly and involuntarily and I can't do nothing about it..

Its Valentine's Day eve tonight..

I had planned out so many things to do with her, so many little surprises for her.... I even got ready my Valentine's gift way in advance for her.. just for tonight..

But now all these plans and surprises are useless... I felt lousy just thinking of that...

Now.. I can only wait.

Wait for her call.

I want to see her put on the gift that I bought for her. It will definitely look nice on her. I know. I hope I can see that.

In this lonely world of mine now... where I have a lot of thoughts and emotions that I can only write in here.. Its in here where I can really release all myself of that build up pressure... Its in here that I can slowly find myself back.. But to the world out there I will be the iceberg.. Cold and closed up..I even start to find myself not talking much.. I don't know why but I just don't feel like talking anymore.. I am shutting myself up slowly inside.

I made a promise to myself and to her... I will learn to control my emotions and no one will see me in that affected way anymore.. NO ONE.. Forgive me.. But I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

~ { 7:30 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Sunday, February 11, 2007

I will be fine...

I will be fine... I promise..

It is all my fault. I am sorry.

I'm sorry for disappointing you.

I'm sorry for all the hurt that I have caused you.

I'm sorry for being too over emotional.

I'm sorry for not sparing a thought for you.

I'm sorry for affecting you with my behaviour.

I'm sorry for not thinking about consequences when making decisions.

I'm sorry for not able to handle my feelings well.

I'm sorry that you are misunderstood by others because of me.

I'm sorry that I was badly affected when I say I won't be.

I'm sorry for not being matured enough.

I'm sorry for all that had happened.

I'm feeling remorse. It has dawned on me that it was me who messed up. It was me who lost it. The blame is on me. Yes it is.. but I know its too late now.
Too late to cry over spilt milk. Too late to save anything.
Too late to do anything.

Too late.

But I promise you that I'll be fine and I will be. There will not be anymore misunderstandings, no more bad behaviour, no more questionings, no more emotional outbreak, no more bad handling of feelings, no more...

I hope that you will be fine too.. Cause I still care for you..
I want to see you happy.
I want to see you successful in your work.
I want to see you walking strong in Him.
I want to see you in good shape.
I want to see you having fun.
I want to see you singing.
I want to see you laughing.

And I want to see you again.

I hope I will.

~ { 5:39 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Retreat.. By Jay Chow

My world turns grey as saltwater wells up in my weary eyes..

My smile was robbed when you made up your mind..

Every breath of the sourish air I took reminds me the drifting distance between us..

Every breath of the sourish air I took reminds me the painful decision that you made..

As I go through the faded pages of my dairy placed in the drawer of memories..

It was filled with happy times with you and your smile under the island sun..

The hands of time will wash away the happy memories of our past slowly and surely..

The careless tears that shed is redundant in the hands of time..

The fault doesn't lies in neither you nor me..

Just that we've neglected our own space and privacy..

Promises that made was hard to keep..

Time had brought us back to reality..

We were not wrong being together..

But is it right to let go of each other..

Only in our fond memories will this beautiful love story goes on and on..

~ { 5:19 AM }
reflections of you and me;

I started running again..

I went for my run at East Coast Park after the cell group meeting last night.. I ran further than I used to do but it wasn't a good run at all... I was very much exhausted and breathless.. Perhaps its due to the fact that I hasn't eat anything since early afternoon.. Or perhaps its because I hasn't slept since previous night.. Perhaps...
I wasn't in the right frame of mind.. Images of her keep flashing through.. All those memories keep on showing up... It maybe a short time that we spent together but it has a definite impact in my life... They say that when you found the one person that you will want to spent the rest of your life with, you will go through tremendous changes and transformation take places from within.. You are willing to give your all to that person just to see them happy.. Unconditionally...
I thought I finally found someone who can share the same interest with me, someone who will go running with me.. someone who is able to motivate me when I'm down and confused.. someone who will listens to me about my problems.. someone who believes in me.. someone whom I am willing to sacrifice for.. someone who made me want to settle down with..
Maybe I was thinking too far and too much.. maybe I am just too emotional.. maybe I just couldn't handle my feelings right... maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet.. Maybe I was planning the future ahead.. maybe I am concern of your well being.. maybe I was worried when I don't hear you at all.. maybe I'm just beginning to know you and we needed more time.. Maybe...
Too many times I wanted to tell someone about what I am going through but it seems to me I can't tell anyone at all.. No one seems to understands.. No one will... No one wants to anyway.. I realise that I have to face it alone.. I promise myself that I will not want to bother anyone about my problems again anymore.. NOT ANYMORE..
I guess I have to learn to close up myself more... not to let my emotional rule my head most the times.. yes.. I think thats what I should do.. Shut myself up to protect me from getting too emotional and not letting pain has the chance to creep in once again.. that way I might or might not be happier.. I don't know.. but that sounds like a pretty good idea.. Not getting hurt and not bothering anyone.. yeah... I like that..
But I am not letting go of you just yet... You still commands a important place in my heart.. and I will be waiting..

~ { 5:17 AM }
reflections of you and me;

~`♥ WeLc0mE

~`♥ Pr0fiLe

~`♥ tAgGiEs

~`♥ dArLiNkiEs